Karma will always be the bigger B*tch

Like many have probably understood from my few blog posts that I am not someone who has had trouble making friends. I do boast about my extroverted nature on many occasions. But what I did realize today is that there is a MAJOR difference between making friends, and keeping them. And this realization of mine, just managed to b*tch-slap me.

My friends tend to tell me I am an awesome person; that I have made a difference in their lives; that I have given them all way too much love and dedication. And everytime I hear something along these lines; I can say nothing in reply but smile to myself. I know for a fact that when I stand in front of the mirror and confront myself, I do not see the person that my friends speak so highly of. But before you judge me as someone who probably underestimates herself for gaining sympathy, let me tell you that I am exactly the opposite! Modesty has never been one of my traits so I always take pride in the way I am, but this time it was time for some serious confrontation.

I can be two-faced and you wouldn’t even know it; I can gossip till the end of this world and you’ll be amused by the amount I actually know; I can be your foe if you manage to tick me off, but I can also be your best friend if you decide to bake me cookies. I am a person of endless secrets. Someday I could write a book about my life and social circles by the name of “Anonymous”, although I am no celebrity who has anything to lose even if my identity is known; but that is exactly how I am. I am no different from the girls that cause uproar in those teenage dramas. But you’ll never get to know any of this, because I won’t ever show it to you. Yes, I am two-faced like that, and I CAN relate to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

So when my friends - even the closest of my friends - claim to know me, I know deep down that I am a bad friend for letting them believe that. I know that’s a harsh feeling to confront because today when I wanted to speak to someone, to have someone listen to me, I realized that I don’t have much to say. It’s hard to express when you’ve held on to so much for so long. And even if I did try, I wouldn’t know where to begin!

My friends are the most amazing of people, with the most beautiful of hearts! I hope someday I can be a good friend to each of them, and touch their lives the way they have done to mine. I hope someday I can learn to believe in people, and that it’s OKAY to be vulnerable to feelings sometimes.