Karma will always be the bigger B*tch

Like many have probably understood from my few blog posts that I am not someone who has had trouble making friends. I do boast about my extroverted nature on many occasions. But what I did realize today is that there is a MAJOR difference between making friends, and keeping them. And this realization of mine, just managed to b*tch-slap me.

My friends tend to tell me I am an awesome person; that I have made a difference in their lives; that I have given them all way too much love and dedication. And everytime I hear something along these lines; I can say nothing in reply but smile to myself. I know for a fact that when I stand in front of the mirror and confront myself, I do not see the person that my friends speak so highly of. But before you judge me as someone who probably underestimates herself for gaining sympathy, let me tell you that I am exactly the opposite! Modesty has never been one of my traits so I always take pride in the way I am, but this time it was time for some serious confrontation.

I can be two-faced and you wouldn’t even know it; I can gossip till the end of this world and you’ll be amused by the amount I actually know; I can be your foe if you manage to tick me off, but I can also be your best friend if you decide to bake me cookies. I am a person of endless secrets. Someday I could write a book about my life and social circles by the name of “Anonymous”, although I am no celebrity who has anything to lose even if my identity is known; but that is exactly how I am. I am no different from the girls that cause uproar in those teenage dramas. But you’ll never get to know any of this, because I won’t ever show it to you. Yes, I am two-faced like that, and I CAN relate to Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

So when my friends - even the closest of my friends - claim to know me, I know deep down that I am a bad friend for letting them believe that. I know that’s a harsh feeling to confront because today when I wanted to speak to someone, to have someone listen to me, I realized that I don’t have much to say. It’s hard to express when you’ve held on to so much for so long. And even if I did try, I wouldn’t know where to begin!

My friends are the most amazing of people, with the most beautiful of hearts! I hope someday I can be a good friend to each of them, and touch their lives the way they have done to mine. I hope someday I can learn to believe in people, and that it’s OKAY to be vulnerable to feelings sometimes. 

I'll try not to judge.

Today a stream of my thoughts led me to analyzing the personality of this certain individual in my life. She’s a friend whose existence I’ve been aware of since the 5^th Grade, but I had the privilege of actually getting to know her around 4 years after that. And to this very day, after joining the same university and entering our final year in that institution together, I have never been more grateful of having someone like her in my life.

I doubt I have the courage to allow someone to know me too well. Yes that takes A LOT of courage indeed. I will not be too modest and boast about the fact that it’s always been a bit too easy for me to make friends. I don’t think I’ve come across anyone by far who I found interesting, but did not manage to engage in a conversation with. But this friend of mine, who I call G, is not the kind of person I thought I would have ever been too keen to carry out an entire discussion with.

Back in 5^th Grade, during our French classes, I would see her sitting across the teacher’s desk, completely mesmerized by what was written on the pages of our text book. I even remember smirking to myself at that sight, as I attempted to hide my Walkman from the teacher’s suspicious eyes. It didn’t take me more than a minute to figure out how different our worlds were. And that is why I never bothered paying much attention to the girl across the teacher’s desk.

Fast-forward to four years later. I was shifted to her class. I looked around and saw more studious girls like her, and I don’t remember being more disappointed in all my years of high school! I’m aware that I can be very judgmental, but aren’t we all? My first impression of that girl was that her books, her grades, her school, was all that mattered to her. I spent several minutes observing her every move like a stalker! Because it amused me how very different she was from most people I was used to being around. But it all changed a few months after I finally got to know her. And once again, I’m SO glad it did.

Today, 10 years after the incident in my French class, I know that G is a shy and intelligent girl who has this weird thirst for learning that still amuses me the same way it did before. So maybe we’re two completely different people with barely so much in common. But I realized that maybe that’s not even relevant in the first place! G watches the same movies that I do, spends the same amount of time (if not more!) on Facebook, and likes writing the same way I do. I can talk to her for hours and not get bored because I think she’s one person who really understands me; someone who doesn’t judge me by the friends I have or the things I say. And now that I think of it, the one person I once thought I could never be friends with, is the one friend whose opinion matters most today.

Many a times we tend to miss out countless opportunities because of our misjudgments. Maybe it’s time we tried to avoid judging a situation, and actually give it a shot. Who knows, maybe someday even the mistakes we make will be worth the risk that we take.